


Don't leave, daddy

by Isabeauu



Series: Values [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Break Up, Family, M/M, Parents & Children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 17:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When there's not much left to save, it's better to give in and do what's best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't leave, daddy

I quickly rub a tear that’s about to fall down off my cheek while walking up the stairs. Never had I thought we’d come to this moment in time so fast. I mean, it’s been going bad for some time now, but leaving? Just simply walking away as if nothing had happened? I can’t.

But I have to. I’m pretty sure Joshua doesn’t want me around anymore after tonight. I wish I could blame him – but I can’t.

Quietly I walk into our shared bedroom that we haven’t shared that much at all lately. Either I was gone, or he was sleeping in the guestroom. The few times that we did share a bed, was because he fell asleep before I was even home. It didn’t help for the feeling of guilt I’ve been walking around with for the last couple of weeks. But I never said anything about it, not wanting to start another fight.

Since I got home tonight, nothing made me think the day would end like this. Everything was good. I came home to the cheerful laughter of my children and husband, we made dinner together and talked all about how everyone’s day was today while eating way too much. Joshua seemed happy as well, even reaching for my hand when we both were done eating but were waiting for the kids to finish their food. The look in his eyes had given me hope, that was shattered not even three hours after that.

 

_“They’re down”, I smile relieved when I walk back into the living room, where Joshua is in front of the television watching some program I’ve never seen before. It doesn’t matter, though, because we’re finally alone. I drop myself onto the couch, right next to him and just look at the TV. The kids hadn’t wanted to let go of me, saying I had been gone for so long and now that I was back they didn’t want to let go of me. They would hold onto me so that I could never leave again._

_“Are you just going to sit there all night, or will you get closer already?” Dumbstruck, I look at him for a couple of seconds, but don’t wait any longer. It’s been too long since I could relax with the feeling of his strong arms around me. It’s been too long since he allowed me to be this close to him. So I hide away in his arms before he can reconsider._

_“I’m sorry”, I whisper, my face against his neck. “We’ll be better, right?” I look up to his face, needing to know the answer as soon as possible._

_“We will, Adam. Just – don’t leave again for some time. We all need you here. Me, but especially Jade and Mason.”_

_“Just one more, and then I’ll be home for a couple of weeks.”_

_“There’s always something added to it, Adam.” Joshua is trying to retreat, and Adam lets him, because he feels like he’s been holding on for too long already. “This_ one more _you’re talking about wasn’t even planned a week ago. So what will it be tomorrow, then? Management calls and it’ll be_ two more _?”_

_“Josh, please. You know I can’t -”_

_“I know. I’m not blaming you. It’s just”, Joshua sighs and I want to reach out so bad. “It’s so hard.”_

_“I know it is, I’m sorry. You know I wish I was here more.”_

_“Then why aren’t you?” Joshua is starting to lose it again, as always, and I look down at my hands, as always. “Will you even be there on Sunday?”_

_I sigh sadly, already feeling where this is headed. Me in the guestroom, crying, Joshua in our bedroom, crying._

_“You won’t, will you?”_

_“I couldn’t cancel -”_

_“Fuck.” Joshua stands up abruptly and turns my way with fire in his eyes. And tears. “You’re serious?” He pushes his hand through his hair and walks to the window. I know he’s trying hard to not start crying, but when he turns back to face me, tears all over his pretty face. “You’re not coming to my mother’s funeral. That’s -” He breathes in deep to calm down, getting some of his self-control back so he can keep his voice low. “That’s shitty, Adam. Fuck, fuck you.”_

_I can’t help but feel tears run down my face as well when looking at the pain that is written on his face. “I’m sorry.”_

_“You think that’s enough? You really think saying you’re sorry is enough?” I shake my head. “What about the kids? Fuck, what about_ me _?! My_ mother _, Adam. Does this mean anything to you?”_

_“Of course it does! I know you miss her, and I know the kids miss her as well. God, I do too! I know it’s hard to explain it all so they’d understand but -”_

_“But what then, Adam? Would your career come before_ your _mother?” My hands are shaking. “I guess not, right.” He turns back to look out the window. “Maybe I should go. With the kids.”_

_My heart stops. My breath is stuck in my throat._

_“What?”_

_“If we’re not that important, why should we stay, then?” He questions after he’s turned back to me_ again. _“I can probably stay at my sister’s for a while until we find some place to live.”_

_“No”, I say. “Please, no.”_

_“Do you know what Jade asked me yesterday?” I can only look at him, a pleading look in my eye. “She asked me if you missed grandma so much too, that you went with her.” I shut my eyes hard. My heart shatters into a million pieces. “Our_ five-year-old _daughter asked me if you were_ dead. _Do you have any idea how I felt?”_

_I shake my head, trying to shake the words out of my memory. I want to stand up, but know my legs wouldn’t hold me, so I stay seated. I can’t look at Joshua anymore, the tears in his eyes, the hurt on his face._

_“It broke my heart”, he continues. I don’t want him to. It’s too much._

_“Stop!”_

_“_ I _should stop? Don’t pretend you can’t handle this Adam, when you weren’t even hear to reassure her. When you weren’t even here to hear the pain in her voice when she thought you had just left her like that.”_

_“I would never leave you all just like that. I love you guys.”_

_“You have a weird way of showing.”_

_I stay still, calming my breath and collecting all the strength left in me to stand up._

_“Don’t go. The kids -”_

_“We can’t stay, Adam.”_

_I nod sadly and pushed myself off the couch. “I’ll go.” I can see how Joshua bites his lip and shuts his eyes in the reflection of the window. It’s too much to handle, so I just start walking towards the hallway. “I’ll pack a bag and I’ll leave after saying goodbye to Jade and Mason in the morning.” With that being said, I leave the room, hearing how Joshua breaks down before I can close the door to the hallway._

I grab the first suitcase I can find and start looking for my favorite pieces of clothing. I know one suitcase isn’t enough for all the clothes I own, so I’ll have to come back some time when nobody’s home to collect the rest, but that’s okay, except that it’s not. I hate that I have to take my clothes out of our closet. Out of our room. Out of our house. But Joshua is right. Jade and Mason need a steady home, and I can’t give them that. I can’t give them what they need, and it hurts like nothing has ever hurt me before. It’s more than a stabbing pain in my heart. So much more and I can actually feel my heart hurting. 

Jewelry, make-up and shoes are pushed on top of the decent amount of clothes I pushed into the suitcase and I close it quickly before I can give it a second look. Because seeing it all makes it so final.

With the suitcase pushed in front of me, I cross the hallway to the guest room and place it next to the door. I then head for the bathroom, in desperate need of a long and hot shower so I can wash everything off my skin. All the emotions, all the words and all the guilt.

I spend almost an hour in the shower, not caring one bit when the water turns cold above me. I just slide down the wall and pull my knees against my chest. The tears mix with the drops of water washing over me.

After having dried myself off and putting some sleeping clothes on, I walk back to the guest room quietly as to not wake up my children and slide under the covers immediately. I know sleep won’t come easy, if not at all, tonight but I need the feeling of the covers embracing me.

I’m up the entire night and after my eyes got used to the dark, I cannot stop staring at the suitcase that’s waiting for me right next to the door. I don’t know how long I stare at it. All I know is that soon tears are filling my eyes again and I try not to scream hysterically. But there’s nothing I want to do more than just scream and cry and rip every hair off my head. I bite my own arms, concentrating on that physical pain instead of the emotional heartache.

It only helps a little and morning comes way too soon – even if it felt like days until the sun came up.

I can hear Jade open her room. It’s the only door in the house that creaks a little. It used to annoy me, but now that I realize I will never hear that sound again, I try to remember it. The last time I’ll hear how my daughter shuffles out of her room for some time. The last time I’ll hear her open the door to the master bedroom and climb into bed with Joshua.

I wonder if she’ll ask where I am, or if she’ll just assume that I left again. It stings, knowing that my daughter thinks I could just leave her and her brother and father like that. But she’s five, I can’t really blame her. I have been abroad a lot lately. I haven’t been around, and even though five-year-olds forget about things quickly, she never forgets about me leaving.

I wonder if she’ll forget about me after some time.

Which is why I have to bite my arm again to not start crying hysterically. I should get rid of the tears and put a smile on my face because Joshua will soon take Jade and Mason down to give them breakfast. I will have to go down, face them and say that I’m going away for some time – again.

A ray of light coming from the hallway makes me look up, right at the tired face of my son. I brush some tears away and sit up. “Hey buddy.” My voice breaks after that and he shuffles to the side of the bed where I’m lying.

“Papa say you is in here.” He crawls onto the bed and into my lap. I pull the sheets over him so he doesn’t get cold and hold him tight. “Why?”

“I’ll tell you in a little bit, okay? After breakfast.” Mason nods and lays his head against my chest. It’s hard to hold myself together, especially when also Jade comes into the room, telling that Joshua is making breakfast so they’d better go. She looks at me with a sad look on her face, as if she already knows that things aren’t going to be worked out between her parents. I tell myself she can’t know, but only to reassure myself.

Five-year-olds aren’t as oblivious as you’d think.

“Are you coming too, daddy?” Jade asks as I put Mason on the floor next to the bed and I stay put. “We can’t go down the stairs alone, remember?”

I smile at her and get out of bed, taking his children downstairs but not going into the kitchen or the living room. “I’m going to take a shower and I’ll be right there, okay?” It’s hard not to give in to the tears wanting to escape or the agonizing pain taking over my body, but I manage to walk back up the stairs and put on some clothes. The moment I have clothes on I drop myself onto the bed, staring at the suitcase.

Better get this over with.

I drag the suitcase downstairs as quiet as possible. Jade and Mason don’t need to find this out by hearing and seeing me drag a big suitcase down when they know I shouldn’t have to leave for at least a couple of days.

“Daddy! Papa make yummy pancakes, you wants one?” Mason asks happily the moment I walk into the kitchen.

Even the thought of eating makes me sick. “No, buddy. You can eat mine.” Mason is very happy with the announcement, even though we all know he won’t want more than one pancake. There’s only so much a three-year-old’s stomach can take.

Joshua’s sitting next to Mason but we both try our best to not look each other in the eyes. Normally, I’d go and sit next to Jade, but nothing is normal right now so I just stand awkwardly in the doorway. It’s not until Jade looks at me and asks why I’m not sitting down that I realize I’m just standing there doing nothing.

So I sit down until both my children are done with breakfast. “Are we going to the park today?” Jade asks when she’s done, pleading eyes both to me and Joshua.

“Yes! I wants to go on the swings”, Mason chirps.

“I -” What do they expect me to answer to that? I give Joshua a helpless look, begging for help, but he only sighs and stares at the table so I turn to Jade next to me.

“Look, sweetie.” I look in between Mason and Jade, grabbing both their little hands. “Daddy has to go for a while.”

“But you said that you would be here for three more days. You said it only just yesterday!” Jade protests.

“I know I did, sweetie, and I really wish I could stay, but -” I look at Joshua, who’s still looking at the table. I want to call him out for being such a coward, but he’s been through enough already. He’s had to talk Mason and Jade out of so many heartbreaks already, it’s only fair that it’s my turn now. It doesn’t make it any easier, though.

“When are you coming back? We have to say goodbye to grandma soon, daddy. You have to say goodbye.”

God, why does she talk? She’s making this so much harder. Mason, on the other hand, is only staring at me with little tears already forming in his eyes. He always cries when I have to leave. If only he knew it’s permanent now. I won’t be back in this house, not ever.

“Where is you going, daddy?” Mason stays strong but I can already see his lower lip trembling.

“I don’t know yet, buddy.”

“How can you not know? You always know where you are going. You are going away a lot, daddy. You always know.”

Damn Jade.  

“It’s different now, Jade.”

“How?”

For the second time I look at Joshua, hoping for some help from his side, but nothing’s changed. I sigh and look back at my kids. “Come here, you two.” I turn my chair around so they can both crawl onto my lap within record time. “Your papa and I think it’s better if I go and live somewhere else for some time.” A little lie, but it’s for the best, right?

“That’s silly”, Mason states and I can’t help but chuckle lightly at his innocence. It is silly, I think, but don’t speak my mind.

“Why?” Jade wants to know. “Doesn’t papa love you anymore?” She turns to Joshua. “You don’t love daddy anymore, papa?”

Joshua just sits there, trying to find the words. I want to hear him answer this question. Not to give Jade her answer, but because I’m not sure anymore either. But he’s lost, so I take over again. “Your papa loves everybody, Jade. He loves you and Mason very much, too, and only wants what’s best for you guys.”

“But you are good for us, right papa? Daddy is good for us, isn’t he?”

“Jade -”

She jumps off my lap and turns around to stare at us. Tears are already rolling down her little cheeks and it breaks my heart. “I don’t want you to leave, daddy. You said you were staying for some days. You lied. Lying is not allowed in this house.”

“I didn’t lie, sweetie. Things just change sometimes, and we can’t always change them, no matter how much we’d like to change everything.”

Across the table I can hear how Joshua catches his breath, but I don’t look at him. I’m worried about my crying daughter, whose heart I’m breaking.

“I won’t be far. You can come and visit me whenever I’m in LA, how does that sound?”

“Did Mason and I do something wrong? Are we punished?”

“What? No, sweetie. None of this is your fault, or Mason’s.”

“What if I do my best in school and clean my room like you always want me to. Will you stay then, daddy, please?” I take a hold of Mason and stand up, only to crouch down in front of Jade a second later.

“Baby, listen. I love you very much. I also love Mason very much, but this is something only old people like your papa and me can really understand. One day, when you’re a really big girl you’ll understand.”

“I’m a big girl.”

I have to smile at that. “Yes, you are.”

“So I can understand.”

“Jade, sweetie.” The look on her face has me giving in eventually. “Okay, listen. Remember when I told you about people falling in love?”

“Like the princesses and princes, yes.”

“Yes. Well, sometimes people fall in love and then something happens which one person doesn’t agree with.”

“Like lying? You can’t lie.”

“Exactly, like lying. But it can be all sorts of things.”

“So what happened?”

God, why did we raise such a smart little girl? She’s making this so damn hard. How will I explain this without making her think her papa threw me out of the house. Which, basically, he did, but he’s not to blame for that. So I’ll take the blame and hope she can forgive me someday.

“You know how you and Mason are going to say goodbye to grandma on Sunday?” She nods. “It’s really important to go and say goodbye, because you won’t see her for a long time, right?” Again, she nods. “Your papa wants us all to be there on Sunday, so we can all say goodbye together and give each other big hugs afterwards to make each other happy again. But I have to work on Sunday, so I can’t be there, and your papa is very sad about that.”

“So give him a hug to make him happy again, daddy”, she whispers so Joshua wouldn’t hear, even though he does. It makes his breath hitch.

“Sometimes hugs aren’t enough to fix something, sweetie. Your papa and I will figure something out, but right now it’s better if I go away for some time. You can give papa as many hugs as you want, I’m sure they’ll make him very happy, okay? He loves you.”

“Do you love papa?”

“Of course I love your papa.”                                                                                                                       

“Then why do you have to go?! Don’t go, daddy, please. I don’t want you to go.” I sigh, realizing my entire story didn’t make any point. But she’s so little, I can’t expect her to understand anything of grown up heartbreaks and breakups.

“I don’t want to go either, sweetie, but I have to.”

Jade stays quiet and starts crying for real only a couple of seconds later. “Can I go to my room?”

“Sure sweetie. Can I have a hug first?” She hesitates but eventually shuffles closer until I can hold her against me tightly. “I love you, baby girl. You be good for daddy and Mason, okay?”

“I love you, too, daddy.” She cries. “Can I see you again soon?”

“I promise you can see me very soon. We can go to the park with Mason and go on the swings all afternoon.” She nods and then leaves. My heart breaks a little more, but then Mason squirms until he’s standing on the ground instead of sitting on my leg and looks at me.

“Can I has a hug too?”

“Sure, buddy, come here.” I hold him close for a little while. “I love you very much.”

“Love you too, daddy.” And then he’s gone, going after his sister.

I let myself fall onto the ground and pull my hands in front of my face and break down. Air is hard to take in and I can’t do anything to stop the tears from falling. It’s quiet, except for the birds singing their songs outside. I don’t know how long it takes me to calm down enough to stand up and face Joshua. “Please take care of them for me.”

“I will.”

I nod lightly. “Can I”, my voice breaks. “Can I see them before leaving for Canada?” He doesn’t answer. “Please?”

“Just give me a couple of days.”

“I leave on Saturday.”

“I know, Adam”, he snaps, pushing his hair back, eyes closed. “Call me on Thursday.”

“Okay.” With that I walk out of the kitchen, through the living room into the hallway. For a second I want to turn around and look around the house, but I don’t, scared that I won’t be able to leave after. In the hallway Jade and Mason are sitting on the steps of the staircase.

“Are you going now, daddy?” A teary Jade asks me when I take a hold of my suitcase.

“I am, but I’ll see you guys on Thursday or Friday, okay? We’ll go to the park and you can both have ice cream and we can feed the ducks.”

Jason claps his hands, not really getting the entire situation. He probably thinks I’m leaving for a couple of days again.

“We’ll be really good, daddy.”

“That’s good, sweetie.” He kisses both their foreheads one last time and drags his suitcase to the front door. “I love you both very much.”

And I walk out, not looking back because my heart can’t take much more. I don’t remember how I got into the car, drove through town and made my way to the front door of the house in front of me. I do know that the embrace I find myself in right now is more than welcome.

“It’s over, mom. I screwed up real bad.” My mother doesn’t ask any questions, just gives me a cup of tea and a blanket when I’m so tired from crying that I can’t do anything else but fall asleep on the couch. My children’s broken voices haunt my dreams, follow me around everywhere. And even in my dreams I wonder how things went from hopeful to completely broken in only 12 hours’ time.


End file.
